Rejecting Emotional Purity

When I was a teenager I read a lot of books about dating, courtship, what guys look for in a girl, stupid stuff like that. I wanted to be prepared and I wanted to do things right. One thing that was consistent throughout the courtship books I read was the topic of purity – emotional purity being one of the different kinds. Essentially, you refrain from becoming too emotionally attached to somebody and save your emotions and your heart of hearts for one man – your husband. Purity culture’s favourite verse is Proverbs 4:23, which states, “Guard your heart above all else, for it determines the course of your life.” Similar to the teaching about sexual purity, by giving your heart to more than one person you are giving yourself away and will have less to give each time you open yourself up to a man.

*side note* I’m not sure how you can exactly get to know someone well enough to marry them without having some kind of emotional attachment. Apparently you are supposed to wait for marriage for that. Hmmm.

I don’t have a problem with guarding our hearts. I think we should be careful to whom we share our deepest emotions with. However, I do have a problem with the idea that you are not a whole person after ending a relationship with someone.

I only ever wanted to date one man. I wanted him to be my first love and my last love. It didn’t happen that way and it hurt. It really hurt. My heart was broken. I had a connection and bond with him that I hadn’t had with any other person before or since. I didn’t know if I would be happy again. It was just dark.

One year later I can honestly say that I am a whole person. A piece of my heart was not “taken” from me. Yes, I opened myself up to him, I was vulnerable, and I loved him. That does not, however, make me less of a person now or have less to give the next man I love. My heart is much bigger now. Having gone through the pain of heartbreak has taught me how to overcome, to lean on people, to ask for help, to actually talk through what I’m feeling, and that it is okay to be weak sometimes. I have learned not to judge people because of their problems, their depression, and their weaknesses. We are all on a journey.

So what about emotional purity? I think there’s something about being careful who you allow into the deepest parts of heart, but I’m not going to shut people out because they might not be there tomorrow. Like C.S. Lewis said,

“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable.”

I’m going to love before marriage, even if it means my heart breaks. What other way is there?